So you have a Time Machine ...

Let's face it. I'm not very helpful. So going back in time to right wrongs is a no go. I mean, if we learned anything from the JFK episode of Red Dwarf is that good intentions to often go awry. So if I had my own time machine I would do totally selfish stuff. This stuff:

1. Hit on Bettie Page. I think I'd have a shot.

2. Buy Google and Apple stock. A shitload of it.

3. Smoke a lot in bars and restaurants like in Mad Men. (Cigars)

4. Steal the characters and plost for Harry Potter.

5. Stand in the background of famous photographs and freak out my friends.

6. Send letters to modern people from 1905.

7. Stand at the airport as the Hindenburg approaches, nudge the guy next to me, and say "Watch what I can do with my mind powers."

8. Discover Easter Island.

9. Scare the shit out of myself in the shower.

10. Taser knights in the middle ages, claim to be a wizard.

You?

THIS!

Thanks, Folks. "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" still FREE on kindle.

As you may have noticed, I've been pimpimg a free story on kindle called "Harry Truman vs The Aliens." It's a pulpy sci-fi yarn written by my alter ego Emerson LaSalle. You can find outr more about the legendery LaSalle HERE.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I'm not looking to make one red cent on this short story. If it were up toi me, it would always be free, instead of free for just the next few days. Rather, my goal is to jazz up some interest for the forthcoming LaSalle novel There Are Aliens Behind Uranus, Mr. President. The events of "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" lead directly into the novel, and really the short story sort of acts as a prologue. So I want to get this free story onto as many kindles as possible (including kindle apps for iPads and smart phones) to help pave the way for the novel, and I'm hoping you'll help spread the word. Tell folks, talk it up, tweet it, whatever. If you frequent science fiction or pulp fiction or kindle message boards, let them know about the freebie

Thanks!

Ten ways we can take our country back.

This is not a political post. Anything about either party, left or right, whatever, will be summarily ignored. The fact is both parties have used the phrase "take our country back." Many of the citizens of this great nation are in no way qualified to determine which pinhead will lead us if they can't even master the following:

1. Turn signals. This is not optional. The fact you are coming into my lane is not supposed to be the surprise that adds adventure to my day. Put down your iPhone and signal.

2. Put the fucking shopping cart in the fucking cart corral. It's ten feet away. Just do it. Don't leave that cart in the middle of a parking space or I will murder you.

3. Your loud crying kid is ruining my meal.

4. Simmer the hell down about crying kids. It's life. Chill.

5. No more real housewives of anywhere please.

6. Saying something at a tedious department meeting just so you can hear yourself talk ruins everyone's day. Shut up.

7. When you park your car at a convenience store and leave your car running with the windows down and your car stereo thumping at full blast while you run in to get a pack of Lucky Strikes, we don't all enjoy it as much as you think we do. Next time I see that, I'm going to jump behind the wheel of that fucking car and drive away and drive that motherfucker into a tree.

8. Don't curse so much.

9. Fuck you.

10. Really, how about just some basic courtesy? Is that so hard.

Don't talk to me about saving civilization unless you're helping to make this a civilization worth saving.

FREE short stoy on Kindle

For the next few days you can get pulp legend Emerson LaSalle's short story "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" for *FREE* on Kindle. It's a fun pulp romp but also acts as the prologue for the forthcoming novel THERE ARE ALIENS BEHIND URANUS, MR. PRESIDENT.

Emerson LaSalle is partially inspired by Kurt Vonnegut's creation Kilgore Trout and lets me write stories that are simultaneously a parody of and tribute to those pulpy sci-fi paperback novels of the 50s and 60s. Get some for free!

My Alter-Ego: Emerson LaSalle

Folks, there is an Emerson LaSalle short story called "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" available right here.

Please don't buy it.

Uh ... what?

That's right. I'm asking you NOT to buy it. That's because starting tomorrow the short story will be free for five days. If you are among the handful of people that actually shelled out .99 cents for it, you have my sincere thanks, but if it were up to me, the short story would always be free because it was written specifically to get you interested in what is to come later.

Some time ago, a lot of us had some fun on the inter-web-net writing fake reviews and scholarly articles on the works of pulp legend Emerson LaSalle. Some clever wags even had a wikipedia entry up for him. I always wanted to write crazy pulp sci-fi dime novels novels like those pictured in this post (just to set the mood), but I wanted the author to be an equally outrageous work of fiction himself. Thus LaSalle was born.

"Harry Truman vs The Aliens" stands pretty well all on its own as a short story, but really it's the prologue for the forthcoming LaSalle classic THERE ARE ALIENS BEHIND URANUS, MR. PRESIDENT. More "classic" LaSalle "reprints" will follow.

If you're a blogger or run a Science Fiction website and would like to interview me about this new project, then great. If you'd like to spread the workd on Twitter or Facebook, also awesome. If you'd like to "reprint" an old LaSalle interview from 1956, that can be arranged. Have fun pretending. Check www.emersonlasalle.com for more info.

But what I'd REALLY like is to give away a bunch of these freebies. Nothing would make me happier than to hear "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" was downloaded 10,000 times.

Thanks in advance for your help spreading the word.

More as doings unfold ...

DON'T BE CRUEL by Mike Argento

This isn't a review site. But once in a while if I like something, I mention it. That's the case here. Mike Argento's Don't Be Cruel is funny and entertaining. It very well could have flown under the radar if I wasn't sent a copy. So now you know it exists. I'd put it vaguely in the Carl Hiaasan school of crime writing. Fast and fun. CHeck it out.