Thursday, February 8, 2007

My very important and extremely effective writing process (so pay attention)

Let's face it. I'm a writer. A professional writer. You're probably asking, "sir, what can I, a non-writer, do to become more writerly like you, for you are mysterious and artistic and I respect you from a great distance."

Of course you do.

We've all looked at a published novel and with a very very impressed expression on our faces thought, "Wow. That's a lot of typing."

Yes it is. A lot of typing. Indeed.

So I will give you the secret of my writing process. Take notes.

First, I get up every morning at 4:30 a.m. and jog sixty miles. It's good to do this in a circle so you're not far far away from home when you finish. This clears the mind. Especially on a cold morning. Even in winter I jog in a speedo and smear my body with vasoline. This is very artistic. DO NOT take an ipod or walkman or any other music listening device. Music is the artistic creation of another. You must hum to yourself only, or sing out loud if you feel others would enjoy your voice. I suggest something by Abba -- Super Trouper. This is collaboratively artistic, so it's okay.

Do not shower upon returning home. You should literally be steaming with creativity.

Eat one chocolate-chip granola bar and wash it down with 22 cups of coffee.

Now you are ready to write. Your mindset is ready to receive the muse. That smell? It's you. It is the stench of art.

Perhaps you are still not 100% in the mindset. Fret not.

Light several aroma therapy candles. This might seem a bit sissy. Not everyone likes the aroma of "jasmine sunrise." After a careful internet search I found a company in Gary, Indiana that makes manly scented aroma therapy candles. I prefer "gun oil" but "catcher's mitt" is nice too.

Enough. It is time to write.

I write verbs on M/W/F and nouns on T/TH. That's just me. If you're old fashioned you might enjoy writing everything all at once. Some mystery authors like to start at the end and work their way backwards. Fine, but that could take forever. I start in the middle and work my way to the end and the beginning at the same time.

Break for lunch. Fruit or possibly unpopped popcorn kernels.

Then back at it for another solid thirty minutes.

Try this for six months, and you too can one day look at your completed manuscript and proudly think, "Man, that sure is a lot of typing."


Anonymous said...

I find popping the popcorn in a nice mixture of gun oil and catcher's mitt solvent speeds up the creative process in my brain. And, as always, nudity is of course assumed.

Jim Winter said...

Slacker. I run SEVENTY miles in the morning. With the unpopped popcorn in my shoes.

Now that's dedication to art.

But not craft. Dedication to craft is forsaking your wife to hump your boat every weekend.

"Oh, yes, SS Minnow. You're my only true love. Rock me all night long, baby!"

Er... TMI?

Bill Crider said...

You lost me at "speedo."

Neil said...

Please, Mr. Ginsuler, tell us more about the writing process! It is endlessly fascinating to a writer like me, and I'm sure also to everyone who likes to read but doesn't write. I'm really sure they'll be bowled over by how you make your made-up characters run and around and shoot shit. You should get a million hits a day.

And, by the way, I write in the tub. When I start shivering badly and feeling electric shock in my fingers, it's time to call it a day.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Well, shit. And all this time I thought I was supposed to be wallowing in crack whores and cheap scotch. Thanks for setting me straight, Mr. Famous Writer Man. No more black tar heroin for me!

Victor Gischler said...


Glad I could set you back on the right track.

That'll be three dollars.


John D. said...

OK, I tried your advice. But the Vaseline causes me to keep sliding out of my chair while I'm writing. Any suggestions?