I'll slap you in the mouth; I'm Neil Diamond!

There's something you should know about me. I'm a frothing, rabid Will Ferrell fan. The guy just cracks me up. I liked the recent Nascar movie he did, and I think the promo for Blades of Glory looks hilarious. His best movie role is still Ron Burgundy in Anchorman. But before his film career took off, one particular SNL skit made me a fan for life. It's when Will is doing Neil Diamond on VH1 storytellers. The stuff he says is just so ... wrong ... that it's screamingly funny. So I tried to link to the skit on YouTube, but I couldn't make it work. I suggest you go find it yourself. (Yes, my blog is just THAT lame.)

Sing that crazy Shotgun Opera

A little birdie told me that Shotgun Opera tied for 4th place on Crimespree Magazine's best reads of 2006 list. Thanks to everyone who wrote in my name, and thank you, Crimespree. Other cool cats on the list include Lippman, some Secret Dead Guy, a Crimedog, and plenty more. At the tippy top of the list is this guy.

Just a little more pimping to take us thru the weekend

Naturally, I'm hoping readers find my work and enjoy it, but, as always, this is also a good excuse to publicly thank J.A. Konrath and the fine folks at Bleakhouse Books for allowing me to be part of their great anthology These Guns For Hire. I hope they sell a ton of copies and people like my offering "They Always Get You." Other turbo kick-butt stories from David Ellis, Sean Doolittle, M.J. Rose, Paul A. Toth, David Morrell, Reed Farrell Coleman, Ken Bruen and many others make this handsome tome well worth the price. Buy it now, mofos!

I feel like I'm playing catchup on my pimpage and I know the last few anthos I've mentioned are probably old news to most people. New stuff on the way soon. Promise.

Legend or crank? Both!

The extremely prolific and very irritable Emerson LaSalle is finally getting a bit of respect. He's participated in an interview over at Hard Man's blog. Go take a look but be careful. Avoid sudden moves and eye contact.

I think his novel Sheriff Dracula might be my favorite, but it always depends on my mood. Vixen Shamus is good too.

You didn't think the pimping was over, did you?

Pimping another of my short stories is actually a good opportunity to thank Michael Lister for including me in the anthology North Florida Noir. Thanks, dude. I hope you all check it out. Some fine stories.

Let the pimping begin

As I mentioned before, one of this blog's purposes is to shove down your throat ... uh ... I mean, introduce you to my work and where to get it. As most of you know (unless you've been under a rock on mars with jellybeans in your ears) that 100% kick-ass dude Bill Crider was recently nominated for an Edgar Award, and his award winning story is for sale in the amazing Damn Near Dead anthology. It's only a coincidence that one of my stories happens to be in there too. Don't look at me like that! Just go get your wallet and make the purchase. You'll also get neato-nifty tales from Laura Lippman, Sean Doolittle, Ken Bruen, Jeff Abbot ... well, a whole giant crap-load of writers. (Not crappy writers...a crap load.)

As a matter of act, you should buy two copies. You know. Play it safe.

And congrats again to Bill for making us all look good.

The Boy Detective Fails

Joe Meno's novel is a touching, funny fable, and I highly suggest it to thinking readers eager to enjoy a literary work which thankfully refrains from wallowing in its own literariness. (Literariness? Is that even a word? Sure.) The novel is not without a plot, and yet it refuses to be a slave to that plot, taking us on thematically rich side excursions organically woven into the story. Clever without being cute, moving without being sappy, Meno's novel hit me exactly when I was ready for it. I wanted something a little different and hit the jackpot. Well done, sir.

My long lost novel (Or what you find when you clean out your office)

We've only lived in our new Baton Rouge house since July. There is a workshop sort of building which makes a nice little office, and I immediately claimed it for Spain, declaring the room to be man-space. No wives or children. I'm going to put a little dorm-size refrigerator out there, a radio, etc. Going through the boxes of my former office (back in Oklahoma) I found the spiral-bound galleys of the never-published Three On a Light. I paged through it.

Three On a Light is not the triumph I thought/hoped it was at the time. It is genre-blend Private eye meets vampires and werewolves sort of thing. I thought I was really cool and original at the time, but of course, similar things have been done better before and since. Paging through, I discovered some rough spots. I've definitely matured as a writer since turning Three On a Light into my master's thesis in 1998 at the University of West Florida. The novel was meant to be a very aware-of-itself postmodern genre-ish thing, the tropes of the P.I. genre and the elements of the horror genre dueling it out on the page with a pop-culture flavor. I know now I would approach such a project differently than I did then.

Still, there are some nice moments. Under no circumstances do I consider the novel complete trash, and, indeed, I'm sure some folks would consider it a pleasant read. In fact, the novel was originally accepted for publication ... twice. For a variety of reasons, the book never saw the light of day. I have no hard feelings about this, but I must admit to a bit of disappointment. The book seems like the last orphan for which I could not find a home.

I'm not sure the thing could sell to any press today. I think I could take a month and smooth out some of the rough spots, but that would only be half the battle. The novel suffers from a bit of an identity crisis. I say "novel" but it's really more like a series of short stories that lead into one another. The whole thing is maybe 50,000 words long.

So there it is. This novel-ish/collection, genre-blend thing. Homeless. What does one do with such a creature?

How about you guys? Any strange orphans out there?

The end is coming (part 5)

Remember, plague is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Feel the tingle

I'm happy to report that Spinetingler Magazine has put Shotgun Opera on its list of best reads for 2006. Yeah, baby! I sure appreciate it. To check out the entire list, click over to Spinetingler Magazine.

The end is coming (part 4)

I just knew I was going to need some kind of helmet.

Watch the skies! (in ... uh ... about 800 years.)

I always catch onto things late

Whenever somebody is talking about the latest hip film or cool novel, I try to make a note of it, but I always seem to get on board when it's already old news to everyone else. Maybe, I just don't like to rush into things. Maybe I'm lazy. I don't get off the dime. But usually when something smacks me in the face for the 10th time, I take notice. For example:

I'd heard lot of good things about Joe Meno's The Boy Detective Fails. I kept meaning to pick up a copy but never did. Finally, when I was having lunch with a pal, and he mentioned how eager he was to grab a copy of the same book, I decided it was time to get my fat ass in gear and head to my local book-seller. I'm only 100 pages into it, but already I can tell Meno is my kind of author. I think I'd like to come back with a full review when I'm finished reading.

Anyway, like I was saying, it takes me a while to catch on, but when I do finally see that film or read that novel, it is almost always a good bet. I think by waiting a little longer, I weed out the flash-n-the-pan stuff, and what's left is quality entertainment. (A nice way to rationalize my lazy lazy ways.)

Have a good weekend, everyone.

On Blogging (Or ... just what the hell do I think I'm doing here?)

Hello, and welcome.

From the theme of the first few posts on this blog, some smart cookies out there have correctly guessed that maybe Uncle Vic is building up to some sort of announcement. Stay tuned.

Yes, this is yet another author blog, and I will, as mandated by international law, be pimping myself and my buddies. Yet, I hope the blog will be a bit more than that. A daily outlet for random silliness. A way to connect with the cyber-community. A key instrument in procrastination when I should be writing. All the usual suspects.

But I don't claim to know what this blog is going to be exactly. I don't claim to have (or want) the authority to give you the low-down on the publishing industry. Any advice I might give you on writing would be the same general stuff you've heard already. (And without your poem or story in my hands, how could we possibly go into specifics?) Politics? No thanks. Lemurs? It's been done.

So feel free to write with comments or questions. Poke the blog with a stick. Kick the tires.

Thanks.

p.s. I apologize for using the phrase "smart cookies."

I smell a tax-deductible promotional trip to Rio in the works

My good pal Sean Doolittle just sold Portuguese rights to a publisher in Brazil for his turbo-enjoyable novel The Cleanup.

You the man, Sean!

Attention all you creative types. Let's hear how you think the the fall will go down.

Okay. It's time to pitch your post-apocalypse movie to the Hollywood big-wigs. Here's the trouble: Your movie must star Carrot-Top and the Olsen Twins. Let's hear your best pitch in 20 words or fewer.

(There is no prize for this. Completely wasting your time is its own reward.)

When civilization falls, you're going to need a few things

Let's face it. WalMart will be gone. No more Burger King. No pizza delivery. This is just the sort of constant inconvenience you're going to have to put up with when civilization as we know it drops right into the toilet. (And let's hope the toilets still work.)

In addition to common sense items like condoms and Pez, you're going to need some key things to survive the end of everything. Toilet paper. Stock up. Two-ply. A change of socks. A towel, naturally. You Douglas Adams fans know what I'm saying.

Also, try get as much coffee as possible. Those boats aren't coming up from Columbia anymore. You think it's tough to face your boss on Monday morning without a cup of joe? Try facing down a band of cannibals without any caffeine in your system. And it goes without saying, that people better-armed and less prepared than you will be coming to take away all your stockpiled goodies. You're going to need some firepower. I suggest something fully automatic. (I'm sure you've all seen the same movies I have.)

And finally, hide away all the bottles of booze you can. Distillers won't make it anymore.

Or will they ...?

The end is coming (part 3)

You're going to need to pay attention to this.

The end is coming (again)

These guys get it.

The end is coming

Stay tuned to this station for more information and evacuation routes.

Let's break the ice on this blog mofo

This is your one-stop shopping for all things Gischler. Scroll down and to the right to see the covers of novels I wrote all by myself. If I were any 12 year old kid I could make the images link to Amazon, but I'm a techno-idiot.